Me and my teacher in Upaya

12 jun 2016
3 minuten om te lezen

I am back in Santa Fe, New Mexico, USA, for my third period of 90 days as a resident at Upaya Zen Center. I was happy to return, especially since this time during my stay here my teacher was going to spend time here as well. Sensei arrived about a week after me, and she stayed for two weeks. During that time she also led a sesshin (a zen retreat).

Upaya was founded and is led by Roshi Joan Halifax, who is my teacher's teacher. Therefore I have a natural connection with Upaya, and it has become a home for me. But my teacher is my teacher. I only have one teacher, and the connection I have with her is something very, very special and it is very important to me. She has been here many times, and I have now spent about 7 months here in total, but we had never been here together. So spending time together at Upaya is something I had been looking forward to for a long time. An extra nice thing about it was that two dear friends from Holland (a dharma-sister and a dharma-brother) joined us here for three weeks.

It was fantastic to see Sensei here. I saw sides of her that I hadn't seen before so clearly and that impressed me very much. It even made me see Upaya with other eyes. I was struck and even surprised by how very much at home she was here and how quickly and deeply she connected with the Upaya community, although many residents met her for the first time.

In february (when I was in Holland) the Upaya community experienced a very sudden [NL: plotseling] and shocking death of one of our residents, John Berlow. Right after my teacher arrived here it became apparent [NL: het werd duidelijk] that beneath the surface [NL: onder de oppervakte] the community was still in crisis. Johns's death had been so overwhelming [NL: overweldigend] for many residents, and right after that Upaya entered a very busy and turbulent time, with a lot of retreats and two long term residents leaving. After the memorial service that was done in John's memory there had just been very little time to slow down and reflect on or process what had happened. Roshi was away in Japan for april. It was so beautiful to see how my teacher handled the situation. So skillful and with so much sensitivity, she decided to have a special meeting dedicated to John right before we entered sesshin. For me personally that was very nice too, because I had been in Holland when John died.

And besides all that, it was fantastic to do a sesshin with her here. I have often seen that Sensei is at her best during sesshins and retreats. That is when her light shines brightest. Here, in a Zen environment [NL: omgeving] and a community that fit her so well [NL: die zo goed bij haar passen] and that she loves so deeply, that was even stronger. Her last dharma talk of the sesshin touched me so deeply, and right after that I had a one-on-one talk with her in which I cried tears of happiness.

Of course beforehand [NL: van tevoren] I knew very well how lucky I was to have found Sensei and to have the close relationship with her that I do. But after seeing her here, seeing the way she took charge [NL: de leiding nam] and was a leader and as a mother to the community, and seeing how deeply many residents and sesshin participants were touched by her loving, authentic, wise and strong presence, my gratitude has been deepened again. Roshi Joan does not accept new students anymore, and not many residents and retreat participants actually have a teacher, let alone [NL: laat staan] the close kind of relationship that I have with her. I see that many of them would absolutely love that too. I and my Dutch buddies are so lucky!