Upaya, part III

12 aug 2016
3 minuten om te lezen

Mid july I came back to Holland after my third stay as a resident at Upaya Zen Center in Santa Fe, NM, USA. Over the last months I have already written some posts about specific parts of that three month period: about my teacher's stay at Upaya in april/may and about the street retreat in june/july. Those two events were quite important for my experience of the whole three month period. But of course there is more to say about my third time at Upaya.

After my second three month period as an Upaya resident, I wrote on this blog that while in my first period all was wonderful and great -the honeymoon period- my second period was much more rough. I ran up against things I did not like about Upaya, the honeymoon was clearly over.

Still, I was happy to return to Upaya for my third period. I was looking forward to go on street retreat and to having my teacher come over from Holland. And I was also looking forward to seeing Upaya friends again. Although my second period was tougher, I never doubted [NL: twijfelde] whether I would come back. And it was very good to be back. In my month 7 through 9 I feel that I became more and more part of the Upaya family. My roots in the Santa Fe soil [NL: aarde] are growing deeper and stronger. When I returned after a week away in the mountains (see the pics) I noticed that Upaya really did feel like home. And that felt good! I also did experience a deepening of my commitment to Upaya.

My teacher's visit to Upaya did help with that, in a way it set the tone. Seeing her love, dedication [NL: toewijding], connection and care [NL: zorg] for Upaya and its community (which even seemed pretty unconditional [NL: onvoorwaardelijk] from my perspective) was an example and an inspiration to me.

Perhaps my third stay at Upaya was about really sticking with [NL: het niet opgeven met] Upaya, including all the things that are imperfect or difficult about it. Roshi Joan often says that Zen practice is about showing up. Showing up wholeheartedly [NL: komen opdagen, er zijn met hart en ziel] for whatever is needed, come rain or come shine [NL: op mooie en minder mooie dagen]. This period was about being less preoccupied (and bugged) [NL: bezorgd (en geirriteerd)] by the ways in which Upaya was not conducive [NL: bevorderlijk] to my own practice, and having more awareness [NL: bewustzijn] of the ways in which my practice and the presence I bring to Upaya is conducive to the harmony and practice of Upaya and of its people. And of course, in doing so, Upaya became more conducive to my practice.

What also changed was my position at Upaya. While I had been away a few residents who had been there for quite a while had left (one had even died). Plus, meanwhile I had been ordained [NL: geordineerd] so I returned wearing robes. As a result, I could feel that I was being perceived differently [NL: anders bekeken]. As more senior, I guess. This strengthened a sense of responsibility [NL: verantwoordelijkheid] towards Upaya and its people, so that quite naturally I became more concerned with the wellbeing [NL: welzijn] of the community as opposed to [NL: in plaats van] being primarily concerned [NL: vooral bezorgd] about my own practice. It's really good to notice such a change in me. And I guess that's a beatiful and healthy thing about coming back to (or staying in) the same place.

Another thing that happened during these three months, and that seems somehow related to [NL: dat op een of andere manier te maken heeft met] everything else I've written here, is that I discovered (or rediscovered [NL: herontdekt]) the beauty and the power of bowing or prostrating [NL: buigen/knielen]. I like to do it by my self, for instance late at night. Touching the earth, completely relaxing my body and surrendering to gravity is a wonderful practice in letting go. I love it!

And of course this wasn't the first time I took steps in becoming more selfless [NL: onbaatzuchtig], in learning to give (even myself), in learning to see what needs doing and then to do it [NL: zien wat er gedaan moet worden en het dan doen]. And it won't be the last. I'll go back for my fourth stay as an Upaya resident in november. Who knows what that will be like. What I do know is that I am looking forward to it! [NL: ik kijk er naar uit!]